No Ifs, Ands, or Butts

Medical Humor, Once a Quarter, from the Desk of TAT

            There’s a part of the human anatomy, much maligned, ever since Forrest Gump got shot in the hind quarters, which he referred to plainly as his “but-tocks.” Kim Kardashian has done her part to restore some celebrity to this underappreciated aspect of the body—to uncover the hidden wonder—but it still seems less marveled at compared with the other appendages.
            Anyone who’s lost too much weight or taken care of a loved one, wasting away from malnutrition, understands the benefits of a good thick backside, and the harms of the lack of such padding. It hurts to sit directly on nothing but skin and bone, for lack of cushion. Hard chairs and pews are out of the question for those who’ve lost their buttocks. Lying in bed, unmoving, can produce sacral sores, a common indirect cause of death at the end of life. Firm beds must be avoided by those who can’t roll over.
            At the opposite end of life—the very beginning—this precious piece of the body has another critical function: recipient of key swats. The first breath of air outside the womb is universally considered important. What happens just before that breath? Swat number one. How the youth respond to correction determines the course of their lives and, ultimately, the future of the world. Will the next generation go to prison for life? Or will they become upstanding citizens with the backbone to do what’s right? They must choose. And what precedes their moment of early decision? Swat number two.
            Olympic runners understand that without elite-level buttocks, there can be no gold medal. Most of us mortals think running happens with our legs and feet. But the demigods, like Achilles, know the truth. Victory is in the butt.
            The lack of ability to stand is arguably the single most important thing that forces people into nursing home care. It’s not dementia. Where is the strength to go from sit-to-stand and to stay out of the nursing home? It’s in the butt.
            I speak the truth, and I am not lying. People have come into my medical office reading Jerry Jenkins’s book titled, Left Behind. They have required big intramuscular injections to combat their illnesses. “Where,” I asked them, “should I give you your shot? The right glute? Or the left behind?”
            Finally, it must be said that medical students the world over wrestle hard with choosing their future specialty. It’s one of the biggest decisions of their lives. Should they go the surgical route or the non-surgical? Should they become experts at caring for kids, or should they stick with adults? Should they train for all those extra years to become cardiologists or pulmonologists? Every option has its upside and its downside.
            As for me, I weighed the pros and cons of everything. I finally thought I had it figured out. I could enumerate the many benefits of becoming a highly specialized surgeon, an ultra-expert, someone completely focused on a single part of the gastrointestinal system—a proctologist!
            But . . . There’s always a butt.

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